Convicted by Conviction

 

            It has been a constant stress.

            On my life, my marriage, my every waking moment. I’m reminded throughout the day by the change in my sense of smell that I was infected by a virus with long term consequences. I do consider myself lucky that this is the only lasting problem I have – so far.

            Except my real long covid ailment is psychological and persistent.

            Early in the pandemic I took a stance that aligned with the “all in this together” crowd that valued expert opinion and community responsibility. I sought information from accredited sources with evidence-based research. This quickly put me at odds with most of my community and indeed, my family who quickly jumped on the bandwagon that suspected Covid 19 was some sort of engineered hoax and that public health restrictions were government strategies to suppress freedom in order to forward some sort of authoritarian agenda. It doesn’t help that our current provincial government is on the same ideological page and quickly usurped sensible public health measures in order to secure populist support.

            I am estranged from my extended family because I criticized their comparison of vaccination mandates to Nazi oppression. I pointed out the deeply insulting suggestion that mandating facemasks and getting a vaccine was equivalent to marching millions to their death in gas chambers. They adhered to their opinion and called me mean spirited and ignorant. Many of them still insist that vaccines are useless and that they are some sort of Communist population control mechanism. They rallied behind the Freedom Convoy movement and still today regard public health and most authority as agents of oppression. They scour the internet for all the conspiracy information supporting their ignorance and are more than willing to hold it up to try to prove I’m wrong. Again, they have allies in our own government who will reinforce their viewpoints. And they belong to the Political Action groups who also have the government’s ear.

            I’m also at similar odds with most of my community who share the very same ideologies. It makes my job difficult because I deal regularly with those same people and my employer and co-workers. There is a tangible tension in every conversation. I have been called a Fascist, a Communist, and it’s been suggested that I learn Chinese if I adhere to my support for public health restrictions. This is the pulse of right-wing Southern Alberta. These are my own neighbors and once close friends who have been consumed by ignorance, fear, and a calculated misinformation campaign.

Every once in a while, I’ll stumble on someone who shares my view which helps tremendously. But they too have struggles participating in everyday life and are likewise bound by those philosophical barriers and are similarly horrified by what our community has become. We certainly are no longer “in this together”.

            My own household is a no-fly zone for Covid discussion. My spouse has decided to “live life” as if the virus is gone and has no serious implications. She’s lectured me on my withdrawal asking what I’m willing to give up adhering to my stance. I’m not willing to give up my senior years to debilitation. I do miss public events and those special moments with family I’ll never get back. I agonize over her risk taking and that of my son and his family and fervently hope that they will escape infection and long-term illness. I’m cautious around her as she gathers in crowds regularly and often comments that one or more of her friends has not been feeling well. To say this has strained our relationship is an understatement.

My relationship with my son has been crippled by his own journey down conspiracy rabbit holes. His favorite information vendors are very much anti-science, anti-expertise, populist rage purveyors. Our conversations are throttled to the very basics of small talk. Any challenge to his viewpoints or sources results in an instant angry conflict that takes weeks to cool.

Recently, our community held an event marking a significant milestone birthday for a much-loved citizen. One of those things I should have attended to offer my respects to a person who has been a part of my life for a very long time. It was an open house held in our community hall and all were welcome to come share the special day, visit with the birthday celebrant, commune with neighbors and friends, listen to some entertainment, enjoy an afternoon snack with birthday cake and beef on a bun, then perhaps remain and enjoy a community potluck meal.

It was estimated that several hundred people attended for some or all of the festivities. Including my wife who didn’t stay for very long. No, she did not mask. Neither did anyone else there. The mere thought of going there made me physically ill. When asked where I was, my wife answered that I was still concerned with gatherings and their risk. One of her friends was disgusted, insisting that I must get over this, the pandemic is over and Covid is done. Never mind that over 20 people a week are dying from Covid in our province and that workforces are being gutted by Long Covid sufferers who are unable to work. Not to mention the huge spike in other respiratory diseases running rampant currently.

To be fair, I attended a gathering with my employer at the company Christmas party at a dinner theater. I’ve never been so uncomfortable. I tested for several days following. Thankfully negative. I am still regretting going, the whole experience was nerve rattling.

As for our community event, my wife shared a conversation with someone who she considered a friend. Sadly, a high school classmate of my wife has developed a terminal brain tumor and has less than a year to live. Sharing this with her friend, her friend insisted that the cancer could be beaten with Ivermectin. Viruses and cancers are parasites after all. Some of that friend’s family were seated nearby and they nodded in agreement.

This is the New Normal. A bold new reality that has the full support of our Provincial Government. A government clamoring for power and pandering to the ignorant masses for support. A populist demagoguery tilting at every ill breeze. A reality denying machine bent on quashing all expert, evidence-based knowledge in favor of comfortable, hyper-capitalist ignorance. An administration working from a position of intuition and emotion instead of reason and knowledge.

So here I am. Second guessing myself wondering if I’m really checking my own confirmation bias. Wondering if I’m merely wringing my hands because I read what I read and have become as entrenched in my own position as my wife’s once friend who thinks Ivermectin cures cancer.

To those on that side I’m just as preposterous. To some in my family as well.

It has been and continues to be a constant stress.